A Lover's Expectation
by HereWithoutYou
Summary: I tried to stay away from him but every minute I wasn't with him was a torture... But I didn't deserve his love. - E/J Slash Don't like it? Don't read it.


**Disclaimer: Everything Twilight belongs to SM, I simply like to play with her characters. Merely the story line belongs to me. **

**The following story contains mature content, as well as slash. If you aren't old enough, you should stop reading now.**

**AN: This O/S was originally written for the "Love Bites" contest but I never reached the word limit and it felt complete as it is, nor did I get to finish in time. But here you go!**

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Remembering his pain filled eyes only inches away from me, I knew that I had done wrong; not only this time but every other time I came back to him. Sufficient to say that everything I touched turned into shit.

First I had ruined my relationship when Alice found me in our bedroom sucking another guy's cock and now I came back to him whenever the need drove me insane. Over and over again I broke his heart because I couldn't find the strength to stay away; nor to stay with him.

But damn him, for when his jade green eyes meet my gaze for the first time, I was lost; utterly and completely lost in this strange man. From the first moment I laid eyes on him, he possessed my every thought, conscious and unconscious.

Every day I had come back to the same café I first saw him, quietly sitting in a booth in the back and a shit load of open books in front of him. When his head had lifted and the piercing green gaze locked on mine, I was a goner.

The pull to him had never subsided and I couldn't help myself; I simply couldn't stay away. Day after day I had come back, only to see him sitting there in the same spot. It had taken me three weeks to talk to him for the first time. Three weeks of lying to Alice about my whereabouts and that was only the beginning.

As I had gotten to know him, my feelings only intensified. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me, at home I had a perfectly fine girlfriend who would do everything for me and here I had been talking for hours to a strange man. At first I had thought it was only a weird fascination, but the longer I had talked to him, I knew that I was just trying to dilute myself.

It was more, oh so much more. Before I could even realize what was happening, he had kissed me. I had known that it was wrong, yet I couldn't stop myself from responding. His soft lips against mine felt like nothing I've ever felt.

To say that I had been bewildered would be the understatement of the year. I had totally freaked out; after all, I was straight. So how could a man evoke these feelings from me? How could I still look Alice in the eye and respond to her whispered _I love you_?

I had been a mess for days. Not able to look at Alice, all I wanted to do was run. Run from the mess I created all by myself. I wanted to run until my previously perfect life lay far behind me. Maybe even take Alice with me and forget my encounters with the green eyed angel ever happened.

Instead of running I did something even more stupid. I had gone back to him, convincing myself that all I wanted from him was friendship. The hour long talks about music, movies, even history and whatever else came to our minds. That's all I wanted; a friend. At least that's what I told myself.

I had even gone as far as to tell Alice that I'd found a new friend. Telling her that I'd met him in a café and we got to talk, only to discover a common taste in many things. In my fucked up mind I thought if I told her about him, it would prevent me from kissing him again.

How wrong had I been; the next day my lips were attached to his again. It was like a new found addiction and no matter what I did, I couldn't forget. I couldn't be close enough to him and constantly thought of new lies why I couldn't introduce him to Alice.

Kissing was all we did for a long time, stolen kisses whenever we were alone; kisses that left me breathless and harder than any woman had ever managed. Whenever I saw him my whole body trembled in anticipation for the moment I had him alone to myself and could feel his soft lips on mine again.

By then I had started to tell myself that it was only a phase. Everyone experimented at some point, right? So why would I be any different? I'd get it out of my system and once I had done so, I could happily resume my relationship with Alice.

Only that things didn't go as I planned, before too long kisses weren't enough anymore. Hands started to wander and every time I saw him we ended up in a more undressed state than the previous time. Hands wandered, groped and I enjoyed it. The whole situation was out of control but I was too desperate for him.

I could still fix this I told myself, Alice wouldn't need to know. And she didn't as it went on for months and she never was any wiser. One fateful afternoon, while she was supposed to work, the spider web of lies broke in.

I knew Alice would be gone and in an act of desperation to be close to him I brought him to Alice's and my apartment. The door hadn't even been properly closed when my lips had attacked his, my hands fumbling with the buttons on his shirt, not able to wait any longer to feel his skin under my finger tips.

Pulling him with me to the bedroom, I hadn't cared anymore that I had led him to the bed in which I used to make love to Alice. All that mattered was him and me; his hands on my skin, his tongue tracing my mouth and his hot breath ghosting over my neck.

It hadn't taken long before we'd been both undressed, the room filled with moans. I had kissed over his pecs, down his abs and without thinking about my actions any longer, my tongue had teased the tip of his erection before I sucked it into my mouth.

I could still recall the loud gasp that definitely didn't come from his mouth. It had taken me a couple of seconds to break from my frozen stupor and turn around. There standing in the doorway had been none other than Alice. A look of disbelieve on her face, tears glittering in her eyes and for the tiniest moment everything had stood still until the chaos exploded.

Alice had stormed out of the room, screaming and cussing as I hurried to find my boxer shorts and stumbled after her. By the time I had reached her, she was already throwing things left and right, cussing at me on the top of her lungs.

"How dare you to cheat on me," she had hissed, "with another man in our bed nonetheless."

I had tried to explain myself but she wouldn't hear it. She had stormed back in the bedroom, only to start throwing clothes in my face while he had quietly left in the middle of the chaos, unnoticed.

She hadn't cried as she yelled at me to leave, that she never wanted to see me again. And so I had left, I'd taken a couple of my things and rented the first cheap motel room I could find. I still wished that it had hurt more. It would've been a sign that I was still in love with a woman, but it plainly didn't matter.

He was the only thing on my mind and once I had found a place to leave my things at, his place was my first destination. In that moment I should have been smarter, I had already ruined one person's life and then I was about to ruin another's.

That evening I had sex with him for the first time. Directly afterwards I had left with a mumbled apology as I hurried to get my clothes on and out of his place as fast as possible. I had stumbled back to my rotten motel room, a half empty vodka bottle in my hand and drunk myself into oblivion, repeating over and over again to the man in the mirror that I wasn't gay.

"It's just a phase," I had said, eyes empty and hollow. I had it out of my system now and once Alice would give me the chance to explain, everything would be fine again.

I had learned fast that it wasn't out of my system; my body yearned for his and wouldn't stop doing so. Every minute I was apart from him started to be a torture. I had moved to a one bedroom apartment and drank every evening until I couldn't remember anymore. Each morning the hangover was worse than the previous, each time it became harder to forget.

It didn't take long before I found myself back at his place and the routine continued. I'd go to him and we would be busy kissing and groping; having sex. Right afterwards I would leave and drown my sorrows in alcohol. I had completely ruined my perfect life and was now paying for it.

Even right now as I knelt in front of him, I couldn't look into his eyes. I knew only too well what I would see there; pain, uncensored and unaltered pain. Not looking into his eyes was the only way to make myself believe that I didn't hurt him, that what I did was okay and that he wanted the same.

His hands caressed my cheeks, my shoulders, and arms. I could lose myself in his touch as long as I didn't see his bright green eyes filled with hurt. His mouth moved against my skin and I didn't need to hear the words aloud to recognize the silent _I love you_'s against my skin; a blind man would know it.

His every touch was filled with love and I hated myself all the more for it. I wanted to make things right, but was incapable of doing so. Instead I gently prepared him with lube because that was the only thing I could do to prevent him from physical pain at least.

I entered him slowly, careful not to hurt him even more, although I knew it was a moot point; always had been. His eyes were closed, yet a lone tear trailed over his cheek. I knew he tried to hold them in, as I knew that the cause wasn't physical pain.

It was because I didn't have the strength to stay away, neither to be the man he needed me to be. Instead I pulled away the moment we both climaxed. Disposing of the condom, I grabbed my clothes and slid them on, leaving as fast as possible.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I whispered as I closed his door behind me.

That night I was sitting on the bed in my shitty apartment wrecked by sobs and told myself that I wasn't gay. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to marry Alice, have 2.5 kids with her, a dog and a pretty house with a white picket fence.

Everything had come differently though, she had left me over months ago and I was drowning in self-pity in a one bedroom apartment after I had sex with a guy. My life had gone to hell and there was nobody to blame but me.

My eyes fell upon the shabby calendar on my wall; February 14th. Normal people spend Valentine's day showing each other their love but not even one single day I could act normal, instead I had hurt the person who loved me most by not being able to stay with him; happy Valentine's Day.

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**AN: **

**Not really a happy end, don't hate me for it, but it was something new I wanted to try :) Let me know your thoughts. Good and bad ;) **

**Thanks to Jasper's Darlin' Kathy for her seemingly endless support! Leave her some love, too.**

**Take care,**

**Sanny**


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